My dad life (part two)
The Manual set down a criteria for manhood. Let's see if I've passed the test yet.
I once wrote a song about ‘becoming a man’. It’s called The Manual.
Speak your mind
Use your head
Walk tall
Find a roof
And make a bed
Take good care of the ones that you love
Don’t be scared, be strong
Carry the weight of the world
It’s time to learn what it means to be a man now
So. 10 years later. Did I make it yet?
To answer that, we need to go back to Bill, my dad’s dad.
Bill
As you can see, Bill was a bit old school. He flew RAF planes in the war. His wife quietly made him three cooked meals a day and deferred to his opinion on everything except the trifle, as was her duty in those times. I liked Bill a lot, he was warm and funny, A Thoroughly Decent Chap. As a parent, he would have emphasised traditional values like respect for others and personal responsibility, so some very good stuff there. But he’s not overly demonstrable in his affection. I guess it just wasn’t the way then? You had to infer the love a bit, trust it’s there somewhere under all the chat about the shortcomings of the England rugby team.
Colin
Fast forward a bit, it’s my dad’s turn and he’s absolutely raring to reinvent fatherhood, ditch the stale, oppressive, old-fashioned parts. He was deeply passionate about his kids and loved spending time with us. He was engaged and open and listened to us with respect and curiosity. He gave us freedoms he never had. Also he could be tough, direct and authoritative, definitely not the parent you go to when you want unqualified praise. You didn’t always enjoy his take, but it was often one you needed to hear. Like Bill he’s not telling his kids he loved them at every opportunity, but you knew anyway, mostly. He didn’t exactly dismantle the systemic gender inequities of child-rearing, but he gave it a good go. A decent generational effort.
Family was only one piece of his puzzle though. Much of his passion was for work, personal projects and, above all, self-actualisation. He saw it as his mission to reach his full potential as a person, wherever that took him, which included a few unconventional places. He was impressive, admirable, a bit enigmatic. I definitely looked up to him.
Inspiring stuff. Also what I’m saying is, he was a busy guy. Preoccupied. Off doing things. He clearly had important goals other than being my dad, which mostly suited me just fine, especially as a teenager. Or maybe I just told myself it was fine because I didn’t really have a choice. That was just the way he was.
Me
Fast forward again and now it’s my turn. I applaud my dad’s efforts but I want to go even further, be even more involved. I want to fix that last missing piece. I want the rewards that come with an even closer relationship with my kid. And I think it’s stupid and unfair that we still place most of the burden of raising good, well-balanced humans on mothers.
So slowly, painfully, I shed the comforts of Manchildhood and got my Grown-Up on. My kid is a huge priority. Our bond is built on thousands and thousands of hours of connected time together. I’m reacting moment-to-moment with an 8-dimensional understanding of the Kiddo Emotion Multiverse. I’m at the school gates every day and (mostly) know when it’s Purple T-Shirt Tuesday or whatever. I’m listening, I’m available, I’m patient. I’ve thought hard about the equitable distribution of the mental load. Once, when asked what her parents did for a living, my daughter said “My mummy is a nanny and my dad does the washing up.” Sure I sometimes drop the ball, but I’m giving it a good go. A decent generational effort.
OK but Bill and Colin’s primary role was to provide for their families. How am I doing there? Well a combination of part-time income outside of music, live shows, my amazing paid subscribers, merch sales, and not buying much, means the hog hobbles over the threshold. There’s nothing to spare and we haven’t had a holiday in years, but the bills get paid and we’re happy.
So, clever old me. Aren’t I brilliant.
Except just like Bill and Colin I’m missing something, but it ain’t the accepting, nurturing, emotionally-available stuff they sometimes fumbled. I’m a singer-songwriter for christ’s sake, I’ve got that covered. No, while I was busy nailing all that, and making up stupid games with my kid until she cries with laughter, I fumbled something different. I forgot to carry an air of authority.
There are those who say men have gone soft, lost their way, full of frilly, female, vegan nonsense. Is this directed at me? We started with Bill ‘Wait Until Your Father Hears Of This’ Morley. We ended up with Jake ‘Father Needs 7 Words To Say No’ Morley. What do we make of that?
The temptation is to instantly dismiss these people, mainly because of how often they are noisily full of toxic bullshit. Hector was a warrior and Paris was a lover and people have been rehashing this moral panic for centuries. But let’s give them a minute here. It’s not a problem that I can lack a little masculine awe, but I would like to be more assertive. Who’s going to teach me that?
Am I to sift through the stinky turds of some manosphere grifter’s ‘university course’ to uncover this wisdom? Must I sit through hours of Jordon Peterson’s impenetrable nonsense to sort-of-uncover it? Must I listen to Joe Rogan and just block out the parts where everyone is talking complete bollocks?
Over the years I’ve sometimes questioned why The Manual frames the whole thing around gender at the end. Are those qualities especially manly? Or just solid life advice? I think I just said ‘man’ because that’s what I happen to be.
Leadership, strength, vision, courage, the limits of empathy as a practical solution to problems, the speaking of hard truths, the leaning into necessary conflicts, the sense of having something to offer the world other than raising children, the comfort with not always being your kid’s best friend - this sounds like good stuff. I could definitely do with more of it. Second helpings please.
Funny thing is, the person I think of most when I consider them is not some Tech Bro, it’s my wife. She is an unbelievably impressive person, and she absolutely rocks at all that stuff. It’s called Being A Parent and I’m mainly learning it from her, and from my mum and my brothers and my friends, and Bandit Heeler, and Lorelai Gilmore, and Robert De Niro in The Intern1.
And also from the memory of Bill and Colin. They weren’t perfect, but they sure spoke their minds and used their heads. They walked tall. They found a roof and made a bed. They took good care of the ones that they loved. They weren’t scared, they were strong. And they carried the weight of the world. All so I didn’t have to, at least until I was ready. My dad’s been gone 20 years. He never met my wife, let alone my kids. That feels sad and I miss him.
So. Have I learned what it means to be a man yet then? Yes! Absolutely. I could be missing something, but I think you’re allowed to decide what that means for yourself. Maybe it looks like The Rock, or Elliot Page, or even Elon Musk if that’s your thing.
Me? I want to augment my natural Bert with a little Mary Poppins. She was a badass with incredible command of the situation. I want George Banks’ unwavering belief in his right to be heard. I want Winifred’s brightness and grace, and her activism. I want to laugh like Uncle Albert. And most of all I want to feed the birds.
Many Fish To Fry Live
Join us on Saturday 21st February 2026 at Bush Hall, London, UK, as part of a one-off celebration of the Many Fish To Fry album.
Event page is here: https://jakemorley.com/many-fish-to-fry-live-2026/ You know what to do, but this button has a hint.
Love jake
Not technically a parent / child movie, but I dare you to disagree with the mention
Congratulations.
Congratulations Jake (and other half and sibling :-)